this must be it.

please god, keep me safe tonight.

i don't need any more visits to the ER

or traumatizing shit.

happy new year to everyone <3

falling for you.

finally :] <3

7 shooting stars later,

i know you've thought about it,

you've hinted at it,

i wish you'd just ask already.

be a man & ask :]

my favorite part.

i absolutely love this;

the butterflies,

the way you look at me,

the permasmile,

the fact that you'd rather sit in your car and talk

than sit through a movie in the theatre,

the fact that you speak of future plans with me,

the fact that you are such a gentleman.

i love it that this is just the start,

the beginning is my favorite part.

this is new.

where are you when i truly need you?

no, i'm not sure to who i am referring, just in general,

a general you, the you i can talk to.

i sure must be doing something right

because i haven't scared you away yet.

something about this feels right,

but then there's that little voice in the back of my head...

i'll just ignore it, because i like this so much,

so so much :]

the adventure.

you know, so much has happened this past year;

i've rock climbed, made new friends, lost friends, became closer to my family, loved, had my first horrifying experience, had secrets, kept secrets, told secrets, been to my first party, went on my first cruise, took my anger out on a punching bag, got my heart broken, saw the jonas brothers, seen paramore for the seventh or eight time, learned that cleaning takes my mind off of everything which has resulted in a clean room for quite some time now, fell out of a car, went to emergency room, got 9 stitches, learned how important my left hand is to me, had an amazing few days with a boy who taught me that i could feel something for someone again, made some bad decisions, had drunken nights, laid on a beach and watched the stars with a boy, had many awkward moments, got in trouble, cried til my eyes hurt, collapsed on my front door, dreamt about you for a week straight, confessed that you were all i wanted, was rejected, was ignored, was confused, was greatful, was hopeful, was sang to, was serenaded on guitar, smiled when you texted me, received good morning texts, got angry when you texted me, felt beautiful, felt terrible, was kissed when i wanted to be, was kissed when i definitely didn't want to be, and so much more.

i saw the real you and got a glimpse of the real me,

and i'm hoping, praying,

that i can be me without you.

not the same.

SERIOUSLY

what the fuck just happened?

really wish you wouldn't have done that,

thanks for making things extremely awkward.

ugh.

strength.

step one: delete you from my phone [again],

step two: block your screen name,

step three: move on.

i know i can do the whole out of sight, out of mind thing,

just please let me.

i don't understand why you keep pulling me back in

just as i'm starting to heal.

i know you're capable of love,

i know how much you loved her, your first love,

the one who has the other half of the heart on your wrist.

i'm sure you knew exactly how i felt before you

made me fall for you,

i was broken.

i don't want to wait around for you,

i'm done.

i just want you to stay.

sometimes i wish i could be the one fish

that you choose out of all in the sea.

four years

hurts less than five.

happy birthday,

i miss you.

good thing i didn't confess my love for you last night,

oh wait, i did.

and how did you respond?

you didn't.

FML.

why do you have this strange hold on me?

why is it different this time?

let me forget you, please.

double fucking whammy.

i think you're both secretly teaming up

to fuck with me,

i don't appreciate it.

fuck this.

don't fall for me,

i'm not right for you.

maybe i know somewhere

deep in my soul, that love never lasts.

the fact that i have the power to totally break someone makes me sick.

whatever this is that's happening right now,

i'm not sure i want it anymore.

i'm not afraid of falling,

i'm not afraid of loving,

i'm just afraid.

afraid i might not live up to your expectations,

afraid you'll get bored of me, sick of me, tired of me.

everything that you said to me

keeps replaying in my mind.

i've always had a hard time living in the moment

and enjoying what i have right now.

i'm always wanting more.

one day you might love me,

and one day you might stop loving me,

i'm not sure i can go through that again.

idgi.

"you know,

all i want to do is kiss you,

true story"

that's all you want, nothing more, for now.

your feelings might change,

but do i really want to wait around for you?

i feel like i'm always waiting around.

old spice.

nothing's worse than waking up on a fold out couch

with a voicemail from your dad saying everyone is concerned with your behavior.

my. behavior.

hmm.

i didn't want to come home this morning,

or afternoon i guess i should say.

"if you don't want to follow their rules then you can move out"

where the fuck.

i've waited all day to discuss my behavior with my grandparents.

my not-going-to-school, not-working, staying-out-late, sleeping-odd-hours behavior.

1. this has been my best semester out of my 4 years at moorpark.

2. i would love to have a job, i have tried to find a job, but i feel if i had a job i'd stop going to school. school is more important to me.

3. i never go out. ever. i'm not sure when exactly i'm staying out late, if i'm always home.

4. as long as i'm going to school i don't see why me sleeping during the day matters.

yes, i went out at midnight last night to melia's.

i left a note, i left her cell number, i told them to call me if they were worried or whatever.

so i get a call from my dad, not them, that they're worried and concerned.

i'm not following the rules.

i apologize for complaining/ranting.

i've just been waiting all fucking day to say these things

but no one has been home all day.

and they didn't even leave a note.

i left a note.

i know they're concern is all out of love

and i love them to death,

i just wish they'd let me be and let me learn.

June 29, 2004.

my mom drove me 79 miles to meet you

June 29, 2004.

we had planned to wear pink shirts & black bottoms,

pink was your favorite color.

we walked around the ontario mills mall

with my mom walking in front of us,

while we looked in stores you held my hand.

you bought chicken nuggets and a sprite from carls jr.

sitting at the table

you held my hand.

you gave me the receipt because it had pink streaks on the sides,

pink was your favorite color.

you ate mentos on the way back to your house

you gave me all of the pink ones,

because they were your favorite.

on the way to your front door

you held my hand

on June 29, 2004.

i found the receipt while cleaning my room today,

i wondered why i still had a receipt from 2004,

then i saw the faint hint of pink on the sides.

here we are 5 years later,

and all i can think about is how you hold my hand.

just that simple gesture,

not the kisses, not the hugs,

just the way you hold my hand.

normally i would be done with you by now,

deleted you from myspace, facebook, my phone, deleted pictures,

texts, everything, to get over you. to forget you.

but i can't stop thinking about how you hold my hand.

it's driving me crazy that you won't text,

it drives me crazy that i dont know what you're doing

or where you are or who you're with,

and its driving me crazy that i might be that girl,

the girl who tries to stay in your life when it feels thats not what you want.

i wish i could believe that you miss me when you say it,

on the rare occasion that you do say it.

and if we can't be together like that then i guess i'll be fine

just holding your hand.

wow.

what a day.

so God, if this is the answer to my prayer,

i'm not down.

if you knew what i know

would you try?

and

today was a day just like any other.

i didn't get my birthday kiss.

i barely even got a text from you.

what. the. fuck.

just the thought gives me the creeps.

what if your love is not the same

as it seems inside my brain?

i wish you would stop messing with my head.

swim.

you really bother me.

i keep going over that conversation we had 2 months ago

and your bullshit reasons.

i wish i would have spoken up and called you out,

but your words were like a smack in the face.

oh how selfish i was to want you all to myself,

no, how selfish you were to not understand how i was feeling.

all of my "bad moods" pushed you away,

mmno, crying definitely isn't what i do when i'm in a bad mood,

and after four years of really knowing me,

i guess you didn't know me all that well.

i apologize for wanting to spend my life with you,

and i really appreciate you not talking to me,

or trying to keep contact with me

because it's made it so much easier to let you go.

but everyfuckingtime i see your name on facebook

i want to comment the nastiest, bitchiest most sarcastic comments,

but i wont.

thank you for showing me real love

and showing me real loss

i'm grateful to have gone through it

and as much as i want to hate you, i cant

and i dont think i ever will.

drunk texts.

thank goodness for alcohol.

if you weren't drunk right now i'd never know.

unsure.

it's unfair of me to compare,

but you set the bar so goddamn high.

i just need you to tell me what you want.

to believe once again.

the past two days have been the best i've had in a while.

i can't wait to see how things pan out,

i'm excited for the future and whatever it holds for me.

i gave my cousin her jonas brothers tickets today,

she cried :] she's so cute, i love her.

can't wait to take her to see the love of her life.

now the past has come alive and given meaning

and a reason to give all i can

to believe once again.

a month.

so it's been a month & i'm...breathing.

today i went to the abandoned zoo in LA with candace,

it was really interesting...

we came across human poop in one of the cages,

it was disgusting haha.

i'm going to visit beau tomorrow,

haven't seen him in year, pretty excited.

looking forward to this weekend a lot too :]

stuck.

it's crazy how your subconscious tells you things,

like a week of nightmares that come true only a few weeks later,

or a terrible feeling that ends up being confirmed that same night.

i'm not sure how or if i can ever bounce back from this.

it's all too much. it's just way too much.

there seriously aren't enough distractions in the day.

blue skies.

today i went hiking at la branca in newbury park or somewhere,

only it wasn't hiking, it was climbing rocks and scaling cliffs.

my heart was pounding so fast, i was scared out of my mind,

one wrong move and i could have fallen in the river

or down the rocks and died, but i didn't.

my hands are raw from holding onto rocks for dear life,

my feet hurt from stepping in weird positions to hoist myself up rocks,

my knees and elbows are scraped up,

and i could have sworn i rubbed against poison oak,

but i'm not itchy so i got lucky.

even though it was terrifying, it was so thrilling.

i'm glad i did it.

i started making my list,

and i even wrote a song, two weeks ago today.

i can't believe it's been two weeks.

i just want someone to make me feel special again.

it's been

13 days & i was doing so much better than i expected,

but then seeing you today just triggered a not so good day.

i don't know how to be.

there aren't enough distractions in the day,

and sleeping is the worst.

all i dream about is you.

i try so hard not to think about you,

when i catch myself slipping i just shake my head

and it helps.

it must be so much easier for you.

wonderland.

so tonight my aunt gave me twenty hand made thank you cards from her students,
they are so adorable :]

i guest spoke at my aunt's school a few weeks ago,
i talked to her avid class about college and how great it is
and all of the advantages of it and stuff.
kinda funny, me, talking about college
and how i love it. HA.
i did make it sound really appealing
and its really not that bad, i'm just not that driven,
and i know i should be.

anyway, it was really fun talking to them.
i showed them pictures from projects i've been doing in photography
and told them what classes i'm taking.
dina told them about how i love sims and making music videos with melia
so they begged me to show them a video, so i did :/ embarrassing!
well, i guess it was a huge hit because almost every single thank you card
mentioned the video and how funny it was,
and one of the little girls drew a picture of me :] what a cutie.
it's funny, i got along with so many of those little girls
just because they loved twilight & paramore.
i made best friends with middle schoolers,
and we were the same height and everything haha.
i want to go back to visit them, i think i will.
they said i was the best guest speaker they've had :] i love them.

i just researched gymboree play & music
because i have an interview there on tuesday yaaay!
i'm actually really excited for it. apparently it's like this daycare place.
they have music classes, sports, and art classes! art!
i would seriously love to teach another art class
and hopefully that's what i'll do, because i'm qualified :]
im excited.
i'd be greatful to get any position there really.

i should go to sleep
because i have to wake up somewhat early tomorrow
& put confetti in my eggs :D

shaking.

the good news: i found my external harddrive and have 34 G of free space on my mac now.

the bad news: all of my photos from iphoto that i just put onto my external harddrive got deleted so now 2 years worth of photos [over 12,000] are gone forever. fuck my life.

poker face.

jason: yeah i love that song

the one about buttfucking someones face

now i can't stop hearing butt butt buttfuck her face.

but seriously, i love this song.

you could list your friends

but you can't count on them.

i'm always there for you but you're never there for me.

i can't be nice for much longer,

& i want to tell you the truth.

realizing.

it's time to get my shit together.