sometimes i need to be around total fuck ups

to know what kind of a person i am.

i need to know what i'm not to know what i am.

day 5

a bunch of energy in the morning,

then headache in the p.m.

it won't go away & i can't take medicine :/

sleep, please help.

halfway there!

10 days.

i just wanted to talk about this here, just to document it.

i'm doing the 10 day master cleanse/lemonade diet.

day 3 is officially over, well, it's over when i go to sleep haha.

my stomach actually growled today, a lot,

and other than the fact that i was extremely irritated today,

i think it went pretty well.

it's been said that it can alter your mood at first

and i definitely felt that shit.

today and tomorrow are supposed to be the hardest days,

then after that it's cake.

I MEAN, it'll be easy. dammit. cake.

this morning i woke up wanting taco bell tacos.

like i seriously tasted them in my mouth,

it was the weirdest thing.

you'll never know i'm after you

so, i think i kinda might maybe like you, possibly.

goodbye summer :]

i had a pretty fantastic summer.

went to laughlin, vegas & june lake,

did summer school and totally OWNED that shit up,

met the cutest boy ever who asked me to the beach...

but still hasn't said when lol.

not gonna worry about that but i did a complete 180

and i'm really proud of myself.

i now know who i need in my life

and who i don't,

because i did all of this without you,

and you and you and you,

so see ya :]

you're mostly what i think about.

i keep thinking about what you said about love that one time in class.

oh my god tonight was so,

i don't even know but i can't help but laugh at the ridiculousness of it.

SHIT.

tell it to the volcano.

i wish we could both stop being so proud

because i'd really like to share things with you again.

mine.

i said something really odd the other day.

my step brother was telling a story about you

and how your friend shot some squirrel or something,

i don't even remember exactly,

but all the while he was telling it,

i had no idea who he was talking about.

your name sounded so strange on his tongue.

he kept going on, assuming i knew what he was talking about.

he realized by the confused look on my face that i didn't,

then i said "my robert?"

and right when i said that, my brain was like wtf.

weenie.

i feel like writing you a cheesy little note:

do you like me?

yes? no? maybe?

i just want to know because you don't have to do these things,

you could just ignore me.

you don't have to start conversations with me,

or touch my wrist

and tell me you like my yellow nail polish

and bracelets

and shoes

and ask what i'm doing over the weekend.

you could just leave me to walk by myself,

but you don't, and you give me butterflies like crazy,

and i look forward to seeing you at school.

but school is ending next week

and i just want you to ask already, just ask.

stop being a weenie and ask,

or i might have to.

he talked to me today, and not just about school, about how awesome my shoes are :]]]

then he quoted my favorite movie, fight club.

i feel like a middle schooler with a crush, omg.

hi, i don't want you anymore :]

but i know what i do want,

and it's nothing short of amazing.

i like tricking myself into things, i've noticed.

like how i always shoo away that bad feeling,

thinking i'm just being silly,

like someone else knows what's better for me,

and they're always wrong,

and i'm wrong for not just sticking with my gut feeling.

back and forth,

up and down,

when will it end?

i'm not sure, but hopefully soon.

do you believe in signs? i do.

1 more day.

i'd like to

skip the boring parts, please.

so many exciting & nerve racking things coming up,

looking forward to them.

i miss my boy.

not really sure when i'm gonna see him again,

which is kind of annoying :/

the universe is so crazy,

i can't get over it.

my ex asked me to get back with him yesterday,

i said no,

and today, i was finally asked out by the one i've been wanting.

weird weird weird.

i can't wait for our date tomorrow night :]

having a boyfriend again feels strange,

we'll see how this all goes,

i've had a good feeling about it from the start.

i want so many things

i've gotten pretty good at this,

kinda proud of myself,

but i'd really just like to feel something again,

something real, something that feels right,

not something i have to talk myself into.

i'll be seeing you in 3 weeks,

i don't know how it'll be since i haven't seen you in almost a year,

all i know is that i need to hold it together

and look cute as fuck.

FUCK

add tonight to the list of things i don't want to remember.

i don't even know why i care but,

i wish you'd just say what you mean.

EDIT:

okay, you said it, you miss me.

ha.

anyway, i hope everything goes as planned tonight,

and i hopehopehope it's all good,

i kinda have a feeling :]

no one stays together anymore.

thanks for the memories

ha, i love how you both texted me today

because it's both of your birthday's and i guess you were expecting me to say something?

neither of you have that hold on me anymore

and now you both know it.

one of you showed me i shouldn't care so much about someone,

while the other showed me that i should never settle on someone,

and neither of you deserve a "happy birthday" from me :]

time to clean my room.

questions/concerns

1. what is your fascination with me?

leave me alone.

2. why are you so creepy? you wonder why i don't talk to you for months, it's because you creep me out with your super forwardness in asking me to have sex with you. you're gross. no.

3. why am i so attracted to a guy that's engaged/practically married?

4. are you flirting with me? is the reason you're coming here to see me? if yes & if so, stop and don't. you're wasting your time.

5. stop trying to be the one for me, you're not.

and 6 isn't so much a question or concern,

but a realization that i have been completely anti-social these past 2-3 weeks

and now all i want is human interaction

and i have pushed away one of my best friends

and someone who really needed me

so i feel pretty great about that.

other than that, life is pretty good,

things are looking up.

oh and i think i got asked on a date today

and now i feel really bad because now that i think about it

it sounded like i totally blew him off

and made up some lame excuse about not being able to go,

but i actually do have plans on that day

and it's too bad because he asked me to go to this really amazing thing,

a premier (or showing?) of a banksy film.

i wish i could go, not as a date though.

i "dated" this boy when i was in 5th grade,

he was the first boy that i would have ever been on a date with.

we were gonna go see deep impact

but my mom told me i couldn't go unless dina went with us,

and i was like "no way!"

so we never went.

during the last few hours of school

we sat in our classroom and watched a goosebumps movie

and wrote notes back and forth in his yearbook.

he told me he was going somewhere over the summer

and he wanted my address so he could send me post cards.

i gave him my address and waited all summer,

nothing ever came.

we didn't talk throughout middle school or high school

because he was considered one of the popular kids.

tonight i finally got to see a movie with him

and i'm glad we're friends, just friends.

i wanted so badly for tonight to not be a date

and i did everything in my power to make it not a date,

i'm glad i did.

i'd like to make myself believe

you could have anyone, i know it,

but i'm hoping, praying

that in the end, you'll choose me.

hmm, well that was easier than i thought it would be.

the most romantic thing you've ever done

is buy me a heart shaped weed lollipop

thank you so much.

you're sweet, i guess.

blehhh

i fucking hate this.

now it's gonna take another 6 months to get better again.

i really do not like the month of february

for various reasons, almost all having to do with you.

p.s. today was our first date.

why can't anything ever fucking end on MY terms?

i was ready to let you go, twice,

but you kept pulling me in,

convincing me that this would work out.

i told you i would rather be alone on valentines day

than think we were doing something and get disappointed.

i shouldn't have expected you to follow through,

cause in the end you disappointed me, again.

well, that's the last time.

happy valentines day.

how did we get here?

i used to know you so well.

idk how to feel about this.

is this the way i'll always be?

i'm determined.

i've opened up to you and will show you the real me,

and if that scares you away then fine.

i'm not going to give into my bad habits

or fall back into my lazy routine

because i actually want to get somewhere,

and i will get there now.

i realized something last night while talking to one of my good friends,

i was talking about you and everything i thought you were.

i want ranting about the final months

and the changes i saw

and then i got to the end,

the part where

you gave up.

you didn't want to try and fix me anymore,

you didn't want to make things work,

you just gave up.

you gave up on me because i had given up on myself.

well, i'm not giving up on myself anymore.

i only want you.

are dreams truth or just what we want to be true?

i had a somewhat reoccurring dream in may/june,

and that one came true,

although it was more of a nightmare.

last nights dream could be a sign of what's to come,

or it could just be a dream.

but i don't think it's just a dream,

because i rarely have normal dreams,

and the normals ones that i have had either happen

or something similar happens. idk.

i guess i'll just wait and see,

the words were so clear, it sounded just like you,

"i only want you."

it's all wrong.

i need you to tell me.