to believe once again.

the past two days have been the best i've had in a while.

i can't wait to see how things pan out,

i'm excited for the future and whatever it holds for me.

i gave my cousin her jonas brothers tickets today,

she cried :] she's so cute, i love her.

can't wait to take her to see the love of her life.

now the past has come alive and given meaning

and a reason to give all i can

to believe once again.

a month.

so it's been a month & i'm...breathing.

today i went to the abandoned zoo in LA with candace,

it was really interesting...

we came across human poop in one of the cages,

it was disgusting haha.

i'm going to visit beau tomorrow,

haven't seen him in year, pretty excited.

looking forward to this weekend a lot too :]

stuck.

it's crazy how your subconscious tells you things,

like a week of nightmares that come true only a few weeks later,

or a terrible feeling that ends up being confirmed that same night.

i'm not sure how or if i can ever bounce back from this.

it's all too much. it's just way too much.

there seriously aren't enough distractions in the day.

blue skies.

today i went hiking at la branca in newbury park or somewhere,

only it wasn't hiking, it was climbing rocks and scaling cliffs.

my heart was pounding so fast, i was scared out of my mind,

one wrong move and i could have fallen in the river

or down the rocks and died, but i didn't.

my hands are raw from holding onto rocks for dear life,

my feet hurt from stepping in weird positions to hoist myself up rocks,

my knees and elbows are scraped up,

and i could have sworn i rubbed against poison oak,

but i'm not itchy so i got lucky.

even though it was terrifying, it was so thrilling.

i'm glad i did it.

i started making my list,

and i even wrote a song, two weeks ago today.

i can't believe it's been two weeks.

i just want someone to make me feel special again.

it's been

13 days & i was doing so much better than i expected,

but then seeing you today just triggered a not so good day.

i don't know how to be.

there aren't enough distractions in the day,

and sleeping is the worst.

all i dream about is you.

i try so hard not to think about you,

when i catch myself slipping i just shake my head

and it helps.

it must be so much easier for you.